South Park: Fan Fiction

I am a big fan of South Park. Here are two fan fiction scripts I would love to see made into episodes. Take note, Trey and Matt.

South Park 
"Hollow Cost Denial"
©2009 by John Quindell


(music: "Horst Wessel Lied” (“Die Fahne hoch…”), i.e. Nazi SS anthem)

(Cartman is surfing the net)
Cartman (to himself out loud): Let me see. Jewish jokes. Alright! "Adolf Hitler says to Eva Braun, 'If you're hungry, come over tonight and we'll bake a kike.'"; "What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas don't scream in the ovens."
Cartman (out loud): Why would anyone want to cook and eat a Jew? That doesn't make any sense.
Cartman (out loud while googling): "putting jews in ovens"
Cartman (to himself): Man says no Jews were put in ovens at Auschwitz. (clicks on link)

(Footage of Ernst Zundel being led into or out of the courthouse handcuffed to a police officer.)
Newscaster: Holocaust denier Ernst Zundel has been arrested on hate crime charges for claiming the extermination of six million Jews by the Nazis during World War Two never actually happened.
Cartman (thinking out loud): What!?! The whole Holocaust story is just a lie to generate sympathy for the Jews? The chutzpah of those assholes! From this day on I will work tirelessly day and night to get the truth out. Arbeit macht frei! Let me see...I can't deny the Holocaust myself or I could get in trouble like Zundel. But Jimmy and Timmy can! Whatever they say, no one can dare to criticize them. They're cripples!

(A hallway at the school. Cartman runs up to Jimmy and Timmy)  
Cartman: Hey Jimmy.
Jimmy: Hey, Cartman.
Cartman: Guess what, Jimmy? I learned the secret of why our economy is in a financial crisis right now. Do you know how the Jews make their money?
Jimmy: No, how?
Cartman: They buy something at a low price, and then they sell it for a high price. And the extra money you pay--that you think is paying for something--is actually paying for nothing. The difference in prices is real, but the difference in value is completely hollow. They're making a profit off the completely empty, hollow cost difference between the two prices.
Jimmy: Really? Is that how it works?
Cartman: One Jew alone can do it to a few hundred people, but when they all get together, the whole world pays this hollow cost and they get rich because everyone is paying them huge sums of money because of the hollow cost.
Jimmy: Gee, I don't like that very much.
Cartman: Jimmy, if somebody tells me I have to pay for something that's not even fucking real, there is no fucking way I'm going to pay it. I refuse to pay for their hollow cost. And I deny them any right to reap rewards from their hollow cost. Come on, Jimmy. We have to get everybody else to be hollow cost deniers too so that the goddamned stinking Jews stop ripping us off!
Jimmy: Come on, Timmy. Let's help spread the word.
Timmy: Timmay!
Cartman: Wait, Jimmy. You haven't learned how to do the hollow cost denial salute like Timmy.
Timmy (raises arm): Timmay!
Cartman: And since you and me know how to talk like normal human beings, you and me also need to say the words: "Sieg Heil!" while giving the salute.
Jimmy: Sieg Heil? But what does it mean?
Cartman: Who the fuck cares what it means? You just have to say the words and do the Sieg Heil salute like this. (raises arm in Nazi salute) Seig Heil!
Jimmy: Sieg Heil! (gives Nazi salute and falls)

(Jimmy, Timmy and Butters)  
Jimmy: Butters, have you heard about the Jewish ho-hollow cost?
Butters: Jewish hollow cost? No, what's that?
Jimmy: That's the name of a special kind of financial tri-trickery that allows the Jews to run the economy for their own b-benefit.
Butters: Well, why would anyone let them do that?
Jimmy: Because, B-Butters, we failed from the very beginning to d-deny them the opportunity to do so, and so we all have to p-pay through the p-proverbial n-n-n-s-schnoz for something that's no more than a ho-hollow cost.
Butters: Well, what should we do now?
Jimmy: You need to become a hollow cost d-denier, Butters, like me and Timmy.

Timmy: Timmay!
Butters: What do I need to do to join your club?
Jimmy: You just need to learn to shout out real loud 'Sieg Heil' and give the Sieg Heil salute like this. Sieg Heil! (raises arm and falls)

(Butters and Kyle)
Butters: Hey, Kyle. Has Jimmy taught you yet how to do the Seek Kyle salute of the hollow cost deniers club?
Kyle: Butters, what the hell are you talking about?
Butters: The club that Jimmy and Timmy started. They say we should not pay any more tribute for the Jewish hollow cost. We're hollow cost deniers. Seek Kyle! (gives Nazi salute)

(Mr. Mackey's office; Mackey, Kyle and Butters)
Mr. Mackey: Butters, Kyle says you were giving him the Nazi war salute, m'kay? 

Butters: No, I wasn't. I was just giving him the Seek Kyle salute of the hollow cost deniers club.
Mr. Mackey: Butters, are you aware that the Nazi war salute is a symbol of that in World War Two six million Jews were wiped out by a holocaust, m'kay?
Butters: Well, I feel pretty wiped off by the hollow cost too.
Mr. Mackey: Butters, was this little club of yours your idea, m'kay?
Butters: No, sir. Jimmy and Timmy founded it and asked me to join.
Kyle: Jimmy and Timmy?

(the Broflofski house, around the dinner table)
Kyle: Dad, I was given the Nazi salute today by Butters who told me he was a member of the hollow cost deniers club. What's a hollow cost denier?
Gerald: Kyle, a Holocaust denier is a bigoted, narrow-minded fascist who refuses to bring his views into conformity with the official ideology regarding the exhaustively researched and fully documented historical event known as the Jewish Holocaust.

Sheila: But how does Butters know about the Holocaust and the Nazi salute?
Kyle: He said Jimmy taught it to him.
Gerald: You see Sheila, I told you that when a comedian like Jimmy runs out of good material, he has to resort to cheap laughs by making fun of things people hold sacred.
Sheila: Did the counselor, Mr. Mackey, do anything about it?
Kyle: He said the matter was too serious to be handled by the school and some kind of outside authority was going to be brought in.

(Jimmy and Timmy are arrested in their homes. The police have difficulty getting Timmy's wheelchair into the back of the police car. At the police station they ride down in the elevator, each handcuffed to a police officer.)
Johnny Depp (standing in the corner of the elevator, dressed as Hunter Thompson from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" looking at Jimmy's hand cuffed to the police officer) (thinking): Hmm? I must be having an acid flashback.
Jimmy: F-fuck me. Am I on acid or is that a short Hunter T-T-Thompson impersonator.

(TV interview with Dershowitz)
Newscaster: New developments in the AIPAC vs. ACLU case today. Professor Alan Dershowitz of Harvard Law School, who successfully defended OJ Simpson and who has expressed support for torturing terrorist suspects, was appointed prosecuting attorney in the case.

(footage of Alan Dershowitz giving a speech)
Dershowitz: They have been arrested for "hate speech" and "incitement to violence." This is religious and intellectual terrorism. Isn't it time we start rounding up promoters of hate before they kill?

(close up on Dershowitz's head; he imagines--in Matrix-style slow motion--Jimmy and Timmy storming the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C., firing shotguns at Wackenhut security guards)  

(music: Flobots "Handlebars", specifically the passage: "And I can end the planet in a holocaust, in a holocaust, in a holocaust...")
Dershowitz (screaming, as if having a nightmare): No! Not Wackenhut!

(reporters look puzzled)
Dershowitz (recovering composure): Thank you.

(establishing shot of Harvard University; cut to office of Alan Dershowitz where he is gathered with colleagues)
Dershowitz: What do we do? We prosecute to the hilt and make an example of them. We show the world that if you make fun of the Holocaust, we will make a mockery of you and all you stand for.
Colleague: Alan, I should tell you that these two boys are disabled. One of them speaks with a stutter and walks on crutches and the other can't speak or walk at all. 

Dershowitz: I see. Then we'll have to proceed lightly. We don't want to seem prejudiced against the disabled when we run these two crippled souls through the proverbial wringer.
Colleague: Might we propose to them an out-of-court settlement? They agree to cease and desist their hate-mongering rhetoric, and we agree not to cripple them any more than they already are.

(TV interview with Dershowitz)
Dershowitz: Holocaust denial is increasing. Holocaust minimization is increasing. Holocaust comparativization is increasing.
Interviewer: Professor Dershowitz, could you share with us your views on torture. 

Dershowitz: In the case of the ticking-bomb terrorist, if the threat is immediate, clear and mega, I would advocate torturing that person.

(caption at the bottom of the screen: “These are Dershowitz’s actual words”) 

Interviewer: And how would the torture be carried out?
Dershowitz: I would personally stick needles under the fingernails of the suspect. 

Interviewer: So it's okay to stick needles under someone's fingernails, but it's not okay to claim a certain historical event didn't happen, even if almost nobody believes you and it doesn't change what actually happened?
Dershowitz: That is without question my opinion and thus is absolutely correct. 

Interviewer: One final question, Professor Dershowitz. Does Israel have nuclear weapons?
Dershowitz: Yes and no.
Interviewer: And by that you mean?
Dershowitz: I mean just what I said.

(Broflofski house)
Sheila: Gerald, you're not really going to defend these two boys?
Gerald: I have to, Sheila. The American Civil Liberties Union insisted I take the case. I have an obligation to protects the rights of anyone--no matter how vile and repugnant--to freely express their beliefs.
Sheila: So you, a Jew, defend Holocaust deniers.
Gerald: Yes. But no one said I had to defend them competently. I'll give these godforsaken cripples a run for their money.

(courtroom, Jimmy on the witness stand)
Dershowitz: Master Valmer, did you or did you not attempt to spread hatred and racial intolerance for the Jewish race by denying the Holocaust?
Jimmy: I don't have any h-hatred or intolerance for the Jewish race. I just want them to take their h-hollow cost and stick it up their p-proverbial b-b-b-b-b-butts. 

Dershowitz: How can you imagine any Jewish person could ever overcome the pain they feel because of the horrors of the Holocaust?
Jimmy: You mean, Jews suffer from the hollow cost too?
Dershowitz: Jimmy, just what is it you think the Holocaust is?
Jimmy: It's when you buy cheap and sell dear and reap a profit on the hollow cost added on.
Dershowitz: And where did you acquire this misconceived notion about the Holocaust?
Jimmy: From Eric Cartman.     


(Cartman's room; Kyle comes in)
Kyle: Cartman, it was you who convinced Jimmy and Timmy to become Holocaust deniers, wasn't it? If you want to rip on Jews, why don't you have the guts to do it yourself instead of suckering other people into it who don't even know what the hell they're talking about. You have no idea, fat-ass, what it means to be gassed to death in showers and burned alive in ovens.
Cartman: Maybe the Jews don't either. The evidence speaks for itself, or should I say the lack of evidence. Are you willing to face the fact that all the sympathy the world has had for the Jews since World War Two, all of it is based on a myth--a deliberately fabricated lie?
Kyle: It is not a lie. People were there and they suffered, and some of them survived to tell about what happened. You're not fooling anyone, Cartman. You're only into this whole denial thing because you hate Jews for some reason I have never been able to figure out.
Cartman: You know Kyle, even if I do hate Jews, which I will not deny, this is one instance when I am moved not by hatred but by love of truth. Ask any American how many US soldiers died in World War II--no one can answer. But ask anyone how many Jews were killed, and anyone will tell you: six million. They know the exact fucking number. Is it maybe because it's repeated every day in the Jewish-controlled media? Do you know who it was who said: 'If you repeat something often enough, people will eventually believe it.'? It was Herman Goering, Kyle. Herman fucking Goering!
Kyle: Don't you dare compare Dershowitz, or my dad--or, God forbid, AIPAC--to the Nazis!
Cartman: And the saddest thing is that we let you get away with it. Because if there was no Holocaust, then there'd be no justification for the war crimes WE committed during the war. We're in cahoots with you. If I say what I know is the truth, my own race puts me into jail because some people are so uncertain of their own truth, they forcefully silence anyone who questions it. Truth needs no laws to support it, Kyle.
Kyle: Have you ever talked to a neo-Nazi? These are people boiling over with irrational racist hatred. If there were no laws against it, they would spread so much irrational fear and hate that there would be another Holocaust!
Cartman: But if there was never one in the first place, then your own fear is just as irrational as theirs. But wait. I see it now. You've been duped into your paranoia. And if you complain, they call you a self-hating Jew. I can almost even bring myself to feel sorry for you. Gasp! Did I say that?
Kyle: You're the one to feel sorry for, Cartman, if you continue with this. If the crimes Nazi hatred led to are allowed to be forgotten, that will encourage others to do the same thing. What happens, fat-ass, if the whole country suddenly decides that it doesn't want any more fat people around? Fat people eat more than their share, get heart disease, take up more space on airplanes and elevators. So they will put fat people into enormous vats of boiling liquid and make soap out of their lard and their skin will be made into lampshades to sell at Ikea.
Cartman: Don't you fucking dare bring Ikea into this. My mom buys me stuff there. I will not have you belittling the dignity of Ikea by dragging it into this argument. Good-bye, Kyle.

(Cartman folds his arms and turns around in his chair, his back to Kyle who leaves) 


(TV newscast)
Newscaster: And in new developments in the AIPAC vs. ACLU case, wheelchair-bound physicist Stephen Hawking, author of the bestselling "A Brief History of Time" and "Brief History of Time 2: The Saga Continues", has come out in support of Jimmy and Timmy.
Hawking ( à la Timmy): Stephe-en!

(Dershowitz's office; Dershowitz and his legal team)
Dershowitz: So, those boys think that the support of a world-renowned, prize-winning physicist is going to generate sympathy for their cause. Well, if they want to play hardball, nobody knows more about generating sympathy for themselves than us Jews.

(TV news)
Interviewer: Abe Foxman, your position on this issue?
Abe Foxman: I don't think these two meshuggeners, one a schlemiel the other a schnorrer, a comic whose shtick wouldn't get laughs in an off-Borscht Belt theater alley, can pass off this ideological schlock as legitimate research. (Loudly coughs up and swallows phlegm).
Newscaster: Holocaust survivor Anne Frank, now 80, has voiced her opposition to Holocaust denial.
"Anne Frank" (a woman who looks to be about 55): I'm living proof that the Holocaust was real.
Newscaster: In other news, Stephen Hawking was arrested today for hate crimes connected with his support of the two boys in the AIPAC vs. ACLU case.

(News footage of Hawking in his wheelchair being dragged on its side by a police officer the chair is handcuffed to)
Newscaster: Sources say Hawking is currently being debriefed by prosecuting attorney Dershowitz as part of the discovery process, a process in American jurisprudence designed to safeguard a suspect's rights and civil liberties.

(a backroom somewhere; Hawking tied to his wheelchair by rope, Dershowitz torturing him by inserting needles under his fingernails)
Dershowitz: And now, Mr. Hawking, we will see whether Holocaust denial is something you really want to continue to engage in. (inserts needles under his fingernails. Hawking strains facial muscles to try to show contortions of pain) 

Hawking's voice synthesizer (in calm tone of voice): Ouch.
Dershowitz: Either you signal you're going to withdraw your support for these two boys or the gloves come off!

(Dershowitz takes out knitting needles and inserts them under Hawking's fingernails.)

(courtroom, Cartman on the witness stand)
Dershowitz: Master Cartman...
Cartman (aside): Heh-heh. Sweet, he called me master.
Dershowitz: Do you hate the Jewish people?
Cartman: I hate a lot of people.
Dershowitz: Are you aware of the slaughter of 6 million Jewish persons during World War Two?
Cartman: Well, I wasn't alive back then, so I can't take any credit for it. 

Dershowitz: Was it or was it not you who inspired these two pathetic cripples to... 

Gerald: Objection, Your Honor. In spite of the sympathy prosecution's use of the word "cripples" will undoubtedly generate among the jurors for my clients, my clients and I resent prosecution's use of "the 'c' word". It is a discriminatory slur that should not be tolerated in a tolerant society. On behalf of my clients who have been deeply hurt--nay, permanently psychologically traumatized--...

(Jimmy and Timmy look quizzically at each other)
Gerald: such a remark, I sue Alan Dershowitz for hate-criming my clients. 

Dershowitz (indignant): I am being accused of committing hate crimes? I sue Gerald Broflofski for slander.
Cartman (to the judge): Uh...can I go now?

(TV newscast)
Newscaster: Suits, counter-suits and counter-counter-suits. In a development that will surprise no one familiar with the all-around patent absurdity of this case, Alan Dershowitz has been sued for using the "c" word to refer to the accused. And by 'c" word I don't mean "cunt", I mean "cripple". So maybe I should say the "c-sub-2" word to distinguish since we can't say "cunt" or "cripple" on this broadcast otherwise we lose our...

(newscast interrupted and replaced with snow).

(Various other disabled celebrities voice support for Jimmy and Timmy)  

(Dershowitz in his office with staff)
Assistant 1: Whenever we discredit one bunch of cripples, another bunch seems to come out of the proverbial woodwork.
Assistant 2: They've got 90% of congress in their pockets. Their control of the media keeps all the debate focused on their status as victims entitled to compensation. I say they're victims of their own God who has forsaken them by creating them crippled, and God should compensate them out of His own pocket and leave people who don't believe in Him alone.

Dershowitz: Gentlemen, I have an idea. We boycott the Special Olympics! 

Assistant 1: But wouldn’t that be tantamount to collective punishment?
Dershowitz (with Schadenfreude): Yes, it would.

(Note: could be a dream sequence to avoid the anachronism of a conversation with Chef)

(the door of Chef’s house; Kyle rings the doorbell. Chef opens the door)
Kyle: Chef, can I talk to you?
Chef: Come on in, children.

(Chef’s living room)
Kyle: Chef, do you believe that the Holocaust really happened?
Chef: I believe a lot of bad things happened to a lot of people.
Kyle: But don’t the people who were in the Holocaust deserve our sympathy for suffering so much?
Chef: Most people who consider themselves victims think they deserve sympathy. They don’t realize that if they can’t live without sympathy they can never overcome their suffering, because if they did, no one would show them sympathy anymore. 

Kyle: But if people just forget about what happened, how can there be justice? 

Chef: There can’t. Punishing someone now can’t change what happened. It just causes more suffering. The pangs of your own conscience is the most difficult kind of suffering anyone can have to bear.
Kyle: So what are people supposed to do?
Chef: The only way suffering can go away is through forgiveness. You can’t replace a bad memory with a good one. But what you can do is have so many new good memories that the bad ones fade away until they’re nothing.
Kyle: Thanks Chef.

(outside the entrance to the stadium where the Special Olympics are being held)
Reporter at the scene: I'm here interviewing some of the athletes to try to get their views on the case we've been reporting about every hour on the hour for weeks now to distract you from actually important news. Mr. Weissman, what is your opinion?

(news shot of disabled boy with caption: "Heimie Weissman, 'Special' Athlete")
Heimie (saying with difficulty because of speech impediment): As a Jew, I am outraged at the anti-Semitic low-lifes Jimmy and Timmy for denying the Holocaust. As a disabled person and special athlete, I am outraged at the actions of the self-righteous, paranoid, money-grubbing Jews prosecuting Jimmy and Timmy because they discriminate against people of disability.

(Dershowitz's office; Dershowitz and assistants)
Assistant 1: Professor Dershowitz, we've been taking a lot of flak because of the Gallstone report criticizing our collective punishment of all cripples in boycotting the Special Olympics.
Dershowitz: I would be more likely to believe a Jew had written the Protocols of the Elders of Zion than this Gallstone report. Gallstone is an evil, evil man and a traitor to the Jewish people, which makes him a self-hating Jew. And anyone who supports this Gallstone report is also a self-hating Jew. Now that we've pushed through legislation against hate crimes, I say we round up all the supporters of this Gallstone report, imprison them and force them to denounce the report. And if they refuse to do so, we torture them mercilessly. And if that doesn't work, we bring in the ovens. But not your obsolete, slow-firing convection ovens. We use microwaves.

(outside the entrance to the stadium where the Special Olympics are being held)

(A large group of Jewish protesters form a picket line in front of the entrance to the stadium carrying signs such as:
"Down with Jimmy and Timmy"
"Crippled Body = Crippled Mind"
"Only Jews Can Understand Suffering"
"Cripples are Obviously Not the Chosen People"
"Christ Died, Period"
"We Still Know How to Crucify (Figuratively Speaking)"
"Special Olympics are for Fags")

(Some scuffles between groups take place. A group of disabled kids on wheelchairs attempt to storm the picket line in phalanx formation. Jewish thugs rough up athletes at the entrance to the stadium.)

(Kyle appears)  
Kyle: Stop. Stop it!

(fighting stops)
Kyle: These disabled athletes aren't responsible for the things Jimmy and Timmy or anyone else says. To Holocaust deniers I say: if you question the official story, ask yourself: what account of history is not changed after the fact or just made up? Wars always begin with lies because the aggressor needs an excuse to start the war. To Jews I say: we can’t punish the people responsible for the Holocaust because they’re all dead. So who is it we’re supposed to be mad at? If we can’t forgive, that means we need the memory of the Holocaust for sympathy, or self-pity, or self-identity or some other reason. I think we should try to create so many good memories that we don’t need the bad ones anymore. I don't hate Holocaust deniers. Everyone should have the right to be wrong.
Stan: So instead of arguing about history we should just stick to reading fiction.
Cartman: Reading? Fuck that. I'm going home and watching Terrence and Phillip re-runs.
Kyle: Good idea.

Note: The almost verbatim quotes from the interviews with Alan Dershowitz in the episode can be found here:

South Park 
"Trey Park" 
©2009 John Quindell 


Announcer: We continue with the 32nd Annual Emmy Awards. Here to present the award for outstanding animated program of 2009 is [celebrity X]!

(the Emmy awards; applause)
Celebrity X: Thank you, thank you. And aren't we all animated tonight? (stupid laughter and applause) Everyone just seems so animated (stupid laughter). And the nominees for best animated series for 2009 are (drum roll): Family Guy (applause), Futurama (applause), South Park (mild applause), Sponge Bob (wild applause, cheers).
Celebrity X: And the winner is... South Park. (mild applause, some booing). And here to accept the award are its creators, Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

(music: "Gay Fish" from the Fishsticks episode is heard over the loudspeakers in the auditorium as Trey and Matt come up to accept their award)

(the animated Trey and Matt come down separate aisles from the back row towards the stage. As they are walking down the aisles they have to duck and put up their arms to deflect things flung at them by various celebrities they have poked fun at in their episodes:
- Ben Affleck shakes his left fist at Trey
- Barbara Streisand sticks out her tongue at Matt
- Alan Dershowitz gives Trey the finger
- Stephen Spielberg gives one of them a malicious sneer
- Rob Reiner spits out pieces of a hamburger he's eating at one of them
- Oprah Winfrey stands with her left hand on her hip and wags her finger at both of them in turn like a schoolmarm
- Jennifer Lopez shoots a spitwad through a straw at Trey 
- Tom Cruise moons one of them
- Kanye West throws fishsticks at them
- Bono lays an enormous turd in Trey's path
- Hillary Clinton flashes them a malicious grin
- Al Gore makes a threatening pose, exposing teeth and claws like Manbearpig
- Jesse Jackson exposes his buttcheeks, on one of which there is the tattoo of a kiss
- Wing sings to them with feeling, with her fists clenched over her heart
- Paris Hilton exposes her boobs and shakes them)

(Trey is standing at the podium with Matt, nervous; he accepts the award handed to him by Celebrity X)
Trey: Thank you. First of all I'd like to thank all the residents of South Park for lending their us characters, making it possible for us bring wholesome family entertainment into American homes each week...(nervous pause, BEAT)... on Wednesday nights (BEAT)... at 11pm (BEAT)...10pm Mountain and Standard time.

(Cartman watching TV at home) 
Cartman: Hey, where do these assholes get off turning my town into some stupid butt-fucking buffoonish reality show...without giving me any goddamn fucking compensation!

(Randy, Shelley and Stan in their living room watching TV)
Randy: Hey Sharon, did you see? We won the Emmy!
Shelley: Alright!

Randy: We earned the award and so now we, with pride, can give this town back a sense of dignity.
Stan: Dad, what do you mean we earned the award? We didn't do anything. We just do whatever Trey and Matt tell us to do.
Randy: What do you mean? They're just showing our everyday lives. It's like a reality show.
Stan: I don't see them sitting here in our living room filming us right now.
Randy: So?
Stan: So then how is it they're able to show on TV what we do?
Randy: Come on, Stan. There's no such thing as some Great Writer in the sky who tells me what to do and puts words into my mouth.

(live action: Trey and Matt in their office working on an episode)
Trey (repeats Randy's last words while typing them): "...what to do and puts words into my mouth."
Randy: I just say whatever...comes...wait, what was I saying?
Stan: You were saying no one can put words in your mouth.
Randy: Right, and...

(live action)
Trey (says while typing): "Right, and..."

(Trey stops typing)
Trey: Matt, where the fuck are we going with this?
Matt: I have no fucking idea.
Trey: Let's try looking at some fan fiction, you know, those amateur scripts. Maybe we can find some ideas that are better than the murderous tripe we ram down the throats of our viewers week after week. 
Trey (reading a letter): Here's an idea.

(on the school playground; Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny)
Cartman: Did you guys see those butt-wipes on the Emmy's last night, They won a goddamn award  for making fun of our town. I mean, I'm out there day after day, busting my ass, living my simple wholesome goddamn everyday life so that a bunch of couch-potato loser sons-of-a-bitches can sit at home and laugh at my goddamn amusing all-American antics without me getting any compensation out of the deal!. And those two assholes not only get all the money for it, they win a goddamn Emmy Award and think they can take all the credit for it.
Stan: Of course they can take the credit for it. You and me and everyone else in South Park just do whatever Trey and Matt write what we're supposed to do.
Cartman: Uh, Stan, just in case you didn't know, tripping on LSD went out with the hippies.
Kyle: Stan, are you saying they're not just describing what we do, they're actually making us do what we do?
Stan: I don't know. I mean, they're obviously not smart enough to be anthropologists or sociologists. They're just writers. I don't see them hiding behind the bushes with video cameras and parabolic microphones. So how do they know everything we say and do?
Kenny: (Maybe they're just really good guessers.)
Stan (sarcastic): Right, Kenny.
Kyle: How do you think they do it?
Stan: That's what I want to figure out. Because even if they are really observing us everywhere all the time like in that movie "Truman Show", on our show they sometimes talk about the things I'm thinking about. They can't possibly not only know what I'm thinking about but also fit it in seamlessly with the plot unless they're somehow making me think what I think. 
Kyle: I think I know that what I think is what I really think.
Stan: Well, I'm not so sure anymore. I mean, can you name me one person in South Park who doesn't act like a caricature of themselves?
Kyle: No one.
Stan: Right. So I need to know: what I do, is it me doing it, or is someone else making me do it.
Cartman: Stan, you can go and try to find out whether you have evil twins in an evil parallel universe for all I care. I'm going to Hollywood to find those two assholes and collect what they fucking owe me. I WILL get what's coming to me.

(live action; Trey and Matt in their office)
Trey: Matt, why the fuck did you change Stan's line in the schoolyard scene?
Matt: What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't change anything.
Trey: Matt, don't fuck with me 'cause it isn't fucking funny. I thought we agreed after the last time I kicked your ass, that if I caught you changing something again, I was gonna...
Matt: Trey, I'm not fucking with you. I didn't change anything. Maybe it was one of the PAs
Trey: You think a PA's gonna change something without asking after the last time that happened? Remember? When that PA left out a comma and we photoshop'd a picture of him fucking a goat and had our IT guy hack into Rolling Stone and publish it the on the cover.
Matt: Yeah, I remember. That was sweet.
Trey: Fuck it, I'll just change the line back to what it was.

(Father Maxi's office; Stan and Father Maxi)
Father Maxi:, yes, my son, God is all-powerful, all-knowing and omniscient. Yes, the Lord truly giveth and the lord TRULY taketh away. The Lord's cup runneth over, and doth runneth down his leg...
Stan: Yes, but do we have free will?
Father Maxi: Stan, that's a question the High Vatican Council has yet to rule on definitively.
Stan: Well, are they ever going to rule on it infinitively?
Father Maxi: God only knows.

(the reception area of South Park Studios; Cartman, Stan, receptionist)
Cartman (sees Stan): Well, well, well, well, well. It's Stan. What a surprise...NOT! You think I didn't know your little story about looking for answers to the meaning of life and that other hippy bullcrap was just a cover story to get here first and take all the compensation for yourself? I will not let you do that, Stan.
Stan: I don't care about the money, Cartman. I'm here to find out whether I have free will.
Cartman: Oh, you do, Stan. I'll write your will for you for free, just before making it valid.
Receptionist: May I help you?
Cartman: Yes, ma'am. I'm sure you recognize me, your most popular and profit-generating South Park personality.
Receptionist: Of course, Butters! You're my favorite character. Oh, you're so silly on that show. And you must be Stan Marsh. I recognized you right away.
Cartman: Just let us in the goddamn office!

(Trey and Matt's office; Trey, Matt, Cartman, Stan--all animated versions)
Matt: Hey, Trey. It's Cartman and Stan.
Trey: Cartman and Stan, you're supposed to be in South Park engaging in delightfully whimsical antics to entertain the folks at home
Cartman: We're here to receive right now, in cash, the goddamn compensation we're entitled to for you turning us into nation-goddamn-wide laughing stocks week after week.
Stan: Actually I'm here to get an answer to a question I have.
Cartman: Shut your mouth, Stan. Now if I don't get some money right now, me and the whole goddamn town are gonna go on strike. We will stop being funny, stop talking, stop moving, and hold our goddamn breaths until we turn blue and fucking die, and then you'll have nothing.
Stan: Trey, what I want to know is how it is you are able to describe our actions so precisely? Are you watching our every move, listening in on every conversation; is someone reading every thought we have? Or are you somehow making us think, say and do everything we do?
Trey: Listen, we want to let you boys in on a little secret. (sotto voce) We. don't. really. do. anything.
Stan: What do you mean?
Matt: To be honest, we just come into the studios on Thursday, close and lock all the doors and windows and pretend to be brainstorming and writing, while actually we just fire up the margarita maker and kick back and relax. A couple of days later we turn on the computer and there's the script already written.
Stan: Already written?
Trey: Yeah, we have no idea how it works. But hey, we're not complaining. We're raking in the dough, every time we go out in public someone shouts "They killed Kenny!" or "Timmay" at us, and best of all the whole staff here gives us blow jobs, hand jobs, rim jobs, nose jobs or whatever the fuck else we want whenever the fuck we want it. We're talking about--literally--money for nothing and our chicks...
Matt:...and dudes.
Trey: ...and dudes for free.
Stan: But aren't you even a little bit curious about who's actually doing the writing?

(Trey and Matt exchange glances)
Trey and Matt (together): Nope.
Trey: Don't care.
Matt: Don't care.
Stan: Well I do care because I want to understand who I am, where I come from and why I do what I do.

(Cartman takes Stan aside)
Cartman: Stan, I want you to listen to me now very, very closely. We have penetrated the inner sanctum and learned a secret that will let us blackmail these assholes for everything they're worth for the rest of their miserable lives. Stan, so help me God, if you ruin this sweet opportunity for me, I swear on my mother's grave that I will kill you and your children and your children's children and your children's children's pets, and...
Stan: Cartman, just think about this for one minute. If we can learn how the scripts are really written, then you won't need Trey and Matt at all. You can get a hold of the scripts yourself and charge as much money as you want for them.

(Cartman considers this)
Cartman: Stan, I'm proud to see what a genius mentor I have been for you all these years for you to come up with such an idea. Let's get out of here before these two pathetic hacks wake up to see the wool we're pulling over their blind eyes.

(Cartman and Stan quickly exit)
Matt: Hey, where'd they go?
Trey: Who cares? 
Matt (in fake British accent): Let's get cracking on some more brilliant comedy.
Trey (with British accent): Right-o.

(Trey and Matt pour themselves margaritas, put their feet up on the table and recline back in their chairs and fall asleep)

(in the hallway of South Park Studios; Cartman and Stan)
Cartman: Stan, how the hell are we supposed find the guys really writing the scripts.
Stan: I don't know. But if someone else is writing them, they've got to sneak them onto their computer somehow, and did you notice? The computers they were working on weren't even connected to the internet. Maybe someone's hiding somewhere inside the studios, typing the scripts up during the day and then copying them onto their computers at night.

(Stan and Cartman walk around the studios and eventually come to a corridor that becomes narrower on all sides and ends in a door about one meter high, similar to the entrance to John Malkovich's mind in "Being John Malkovich")

(Stan and Cartman open the door and stand looking down into a dark, unfathomably deep tunnel)
Stan: This must be where the real writers hide. No one would even think of going in there.
Cartman: And, uh, they would be right to think that way. There is no fucking way I'm going in there.
Stan: You just have to have faith you'll come out unhurt on the other side.
Cartman: You know, I think, since, if something happens to you, my mentoring skills will still be needed here, that you should go in first and scope it out and then come back and tell me if everything's cool.
Stan: Okay, Cartman. I'll go in alone. But just know that when I get to the other side, I can have everything I want all for myself.
Cartman: What do you mean?
Stan: Well, if whoever's down there's creating everything that happens in South Park, then I can tell them to do what I want them to do and have whatever I want. It's like finding Aladdin's lamp.
Cartman: There is no fucking way I'm going to let you wish for whatever you want. I'm going in there with you to keep you from fucking me over.
Stan (jumps in): Geronimo!
Cartman (jumps in): Cherokee!

(Trey and Matt's office. Trey and Matt are live action. Stan and Cartman fall off the story board onto the desk, lying immobile on their backs)
Stan: Cartman, are you there?
Cartman: I'm here, wherever the hell "here" is.

(Trey notices the Stan and Cartman figures have fallen off the storyboard)
Trey: Matt, you fucked up the storyboard again. Do I have to get security to sodomize you with their nightsticks again?
Matt: Trey, I wasn't even fucking here. I just got back from...
Stan: Hello? Is anybody there?
Trey: Matt, when did you learn how to do Stan's voice that good?
Matt: That wasn't me.
Cartman: Hey, listen to us, you assholes.

(Trey and Matt look down at Stan and Cartman)
Stan: Matt Stone and Trey Parker?
Trey: No, Trey Parker and Matt Stone. How is it possible you can talk?
Matt: This is like something out of one of our shows.
Cartman: Okay, now listen to me. This is what I want from you. From now on, in all episodes I have an endless supply of money, I am considered by everyone the kewlest of the kewl, and, most importantly, these are the bad things I want to happen to Kyle: I want him to get AIDS, then to get run over by a steamroller while being bitten by a million fire ants...
Trey: But, Cartman, that wouldn't be funny.
Cartman: What do you mean that wouldn't be funny? That'd be hella funny.
Matt: Trey means that wouldn't be funny to our viewers.
Cartman: I don't give a flying fuck about the viewers. They don't have to live every day in the same goddamn town with Kyle and his jewish... Jewishness.
Trey: Look, Cartman, you just do whatever we tell you to do, so don't even try to fucking argue with us.
Stan: Wait a minute. If we only do what you tell us to do, how is it that we're lying here arguing with you right now? I don't see you writing anything down or dubbing what I'm saying.
Cartman: Yeah, big writers in the sky. What do you say to that, impotent "creators"?
Stan: You know what this means Cartman? This means we do have free will. Once we have been created, we acquire free will, and our creators can't make us do something we don't want to do.
Trey: Yeah, but if we hadn't created you, you wouldn't even be here.
Cartman: Yeah, but we're here now. And one day you two are going to die. But we're going to live for-fucking-ever.
Matt: I could pick you up right now like this (picks up Stan) and tear you to shreds.
Trey: Or we could write an episode where both of you die.
Stan: Yeah, you could do both of those things. But to make us disappear completely, you'd also have to erase not only every copy of every episode everywhere in the world, but also every memory of every episode of every person who ever watched one, because once we're created, we exist forever. And you know what else? I think that you don't exist any more or any less than we do. Maybe the things both of us say are dialogue written for us by someone telling us what to do. Because if you and me are talking to each other right now, then there's someone up there writing for the both of us.
Trey: But if you can do what you want and even me who created you can't make you do what I want you to do, then that means I can do whatever the hell I want to do, too. So there, God! Fuck you! (Trey thumbs his nose at the sky)

(We see all the residents of South Park come together for a group photo in front of a billboard at the entrance to the town that reads "You Are Now Entering the Emmy Award Winning South Park")

(We see a man at home watching the ceremony on the news. The news switches to a bird-eye view of the photo shoot from a news helicopter, but the switch is in slow motion. That is we see the flat, two-dimensional plane of the photo-shoot rotate slowly 45° so we have a bird's eye view of the scene)

(We see the (animated) creators Matt and Trey looking down at the storyboard of the man watching TV and then rotate it 45° to see the scene from a bird's-eye view.)

(We see the live-action creators Trey and Matt looking down at the storyboard of their animated versions looking at a bird's-eye view of the man watching TV. Trey picks up his own "character" and they look at each other)
Trey (animated version, looking at live-action Trey): So I was created in your image? Dude, you need a makeover.

(We see the flat image of live-action Trey and the animated Trey talking to each other and then see it rotate 45° to look down on it from a bird's-eye view. The camera pulls directly up (vertically) slowly until the image becomes so small that it disappears into a point)

More South Park scripts by John Quindell can be found here.